Turning 30

15 Apr

I have been distracted lately; As anyone who has read this blog probably knows I am permanently in turmoil about something. Well I am feeling restless about my future. I want a career not just a job, I wan’t to be financially independent and at the moment that isn’t the case. I still live at home with my dad and my sister. My dad has disabilities and being the only parent I have (I lost one, how careless of me) I wouldn’t want to leave him even if the money was there. Besides we live in the countryside and to rent anywhere here would take my entire wage so I couldn’t eat or keep warm or buy clothes or wash, so that’s not looking that attractive. If I moved to town I’d have to leave my job and very likely have to give up my job anyway as the buses are rubbish, I have a travel phobia thingy and I don’t drive. So I’m pretty stuck. So this arrangement is probably the best for us even if it is considered weird to still live with your parents in your 30’s.

Oh and that’s where my next subject comes in. My 30th Birthday is looming large ( I know I don’t look a day over 16 that’s very good of you 😉 .) This Mile stone had made my fears for the future all the more real. One day I wont have my dad to rely on and I can’t expect my sister to look after me forever. Truth is I feel totally unprepared for and unsuited to the adult world.

Turning 30 makes me realize how little I’ve achieved. I didn’t spend my teens and 20’s getting drunk, but neither did I go to university, I’m still not entirely sure what I want to do with my life. Every so often I toy with the idea of university but the idea of giving up work to spend 3 years getting into debt with no guarantee of a job at the end is frightening especially at my age. A mature student is staking everything when they go back to education and that is very daunting. Now I know they say student loans aren’t really debts they are ‘contributions’ but it’s still scary. They say that you won’t have to pay it back until you earn x amount. But if you never earn enough to pay it back was it really worth it? Maybe for the experience, I don’t know. In any case I admire mature students for taking the plunge but I’m not sure a University is the right environment for me in any case.

So what am I to do I’m almost 30 in the same job I was in at 20, I’m still single (perhaps one day I’ll write a blog about my difficulty in that area but not today) I’m tied up my my travel/getting lost phobia thingy.

I suppose this is the time I should really attack my writing with gusto but I am still unsure about that too. I have been giving that some thought; my thoughts are taking me in the direction of script writing, which is an idea I’ve toyed with before. I have lamented my lack of a novel length plot on here before so I started thinking again that maybe I should convert some of my short story ideas into scripts for TV dramas and try my luck with the BBC writers’ room. I don’t harbour any real hopes that they’ll pick my offerings out of their pile but at least I’ll have written something.

I feel like I should really make some changes this year, 30 sounds like a very grown up age and it’s time I started thinking about what kind of adult I want to be.

One Response to “Turning 30”

  1. csbarielle April 15, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    I know what you mean; I’m turning 37 soon, and coupled with this pregnancy, I’m not looking forward to it. Just keep blogging and writing as I like reading your short stories 🙂


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