The nature of friendship

20 May

So what have I been doing since I’ve been gone? Well in short not much. I have been feeling thoughtful lately (especially since turning 30) and I have been making an effort to lay old ghost to rest. You know those memories that hurt, or leave you asking what happened? One attempt resulted in me getting a lot of abuse which I wont detail. Someone I valued as a friend one day stopped replying to my messages and cards and I heard nothing from them for about 3 years after which time they accepted my friends request on Facebook.

A couple of years after that I decided to ask if I had inadvertently offended them. After a few days I sent a second message not in a stress because I hadn’t received a response but more as an addition to the first. I should have made that clearer so I understand that may have come across wrong. The gist was that at the time I thought I must have inadvertently said something and I had felt quite hurt that a friend would be so silent for so long. Queue a lot of very hurtful things being said.

It lead me to question if I had misunderstood the nature of friendship? So today I’m using this blog to address some of the points the interaction ( I wont call it a conversation) raised. Some of you may be able to relate to points on either side of this so here are the rebukes and my thoughts on them.

1. Did I never consider that they changed their phone number or address? Of course I did, but changing your address or phone number and not giving it to someone pretty much says I don’t want to keep in touch doesn’t it?

2. Did I not consider how busy they were? Of course I did I was fully aware that they were incredibly busy, but so busy that they didn’t have time for even one single message or Xmas card in 3 years?

3.I wouldn’t have added you as a friend on Facebook if I’d fallen out with you! Having fallen out with someone 3 years previously doesn’t mean you wont have got past it 3 years later. Plus many people add everyone they’ve ever spoken to as a friend to make them look far more popular than they ever were so that argument doesn’t really hold up

4. You never considered that I or my family might have been ill ! Again of course I considered that but I was under the impression that at times like that that is when you turn to your friends not shut them out for years. I thought it that instance that I’d hear from them about it eventually. How foolish of me. To be honest I resented this part of interaction most because they presumed to tell me what I did or did not think. Just because I didn’t make a full disclosure of every thought process entered into at the time doesn’t mean my only thought was “How dare you not talk to me” absurd!

5. I’m being self centred and worrying about my ego because I said I was hurt back then. If you call being concerned that you may have inadvertently hurt someone you cared about self centred  then so be it. In fairness you could rebuke me for being self centred to some extent. Having had bad experiences in the past, being used and hurt by people who were meant to be friends has left me a little paranoid on that front and maybe that comes across as self centred to some people but it is never meant that way. I think you learn to be a little self centred when few other people care. Also I know my travel thing makes me appear self centred sometimes because I simply can’t always do things other peoples way as much as I’d like to.

6. My world doesn’t revolve around you! Nor do I want it to thank you all I was asking for was a passing thought once in a while. In fact I didn’t even ask for that, all I asked was back then did I say something to offend you?

7. I’m being childish. Am I? because I said my feelings were hurt at the time? So being hurt when someone you thought was a friend doesn’t wasn’t to speak to you anymore is childish. OK noted I wont make that mistake again.

8. They’re not there to support my pathetic attempts to validate my existence. I never asked them to. Good heavens and I’m the one who’s self centred? How important do they think they are. Yeah I might be a little insecure and occasionally paranoid but I neither want nor need them to validate my existence! My self esteem is low but I feel that self validation is the only way, I will not rely on others for it. If I did need someone to do that it would never have been them for reasons I won’t sink to thank you.

So I thought over the comments I received  and I know I am far from perfect and I know my issues can lead to me sometime lead to my motives being misunderstood especially over the internet when it’s not so easy to convey meaning. Still I can’t really feel that the comments I received were in any way fair. I’m not going to get into mud slinging and insults, I wont name names and try to inflict pain, it’s not my style. I will ask the question though…

So what is the true nature of friendship? My instincts tell me that one of us has misunderstood the nature of friendship and to be honest I really don’t know which one of us it is. Perhaps we are both right and the type of friendships we want are incompatible.

Any thoughts?


One Response to “The nature of friendship”

  1. csbarielle May 20, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    This is the reason why I ditched my Facebook account. Too many ‘friends’ who actually didn’t give a shot and just wanted to collect me for their stats… true friends are people who come running, etc. This person struck me as someone who just wanted to add you to their stats and say “look how popular I am”. Forget them and just ignore, they don’t deserve a minute more of your time.


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