Silent Darkness

25 Aug

I have been somewhat absent from online life over the last couple of weeks; not that I expect anyone has noticed. Why the sudden silence? I guess the answer to that is my mind.

Since I was about 11 I suppose, I have experienced times when I feel like my mind is trying to destroy itself. I feel low, life feels like it’s too much to deal with and everything is hopeless.

Here I am again. I have lost all desire to write, every little regret for the last 30 years has come knocking at my brain demanding to be remembered. Small things, insignificant things along with the bigger things. Memories of friendships I wish I’d never had, memories of people I want to forget, things I’ve said and regret, things I haven’t said and regret; things I’ve done or neglected to do. All of these things start pricking at my mind day and night and there’s no peace.

All my fears are battering me and I have many. Some of my fears you know and others I can’t bring myself to talk about because I’m afraid if I talk about them they’ll happen; I know that perhaps this doesn’t sound logical, but it’s how I feel.

Why am I writing this post? Who knows, I guess I just wanted to put out there what it’s like to have to do daily battle with yourself. I sometimes wish I could just ignore or right off the things that other people wouldn’t think twice about but they consume me sometimes and I can’t let go I keep obsessively thinking over the things I most want to forget, thereby making me remember all the more. I’m afraid  of never being happy and afraid to be happy because I worry something will happen to take it away from me. Almost like things will become worse to punish me for being happy. I know written down it sounds crazy but that’s just how it feels to be me.

To have a mind like mine is to have a constant form of self torture. I hope my mood will ease up soon and I can get back to the things I want to be doing so wish me luck and hope that I get through this mood soon and come out smiling.

One Response to “Silent Darkness”

  1. csbarielle August 25, 2013 at 8:10 pm #

    Trust me,d I know the feeling exactly and unfortunately, I don’t have a cure for it either. All I can say is that what you are feeling mirrors myself and all I can suggest is to try and work through it and look for any glints of light.

    Admittedly, I’ve written sod all on the blog for weeks for the same reason. I just have nothing to say.

    Keep smiling through and hopefully, you’ll find a spark in the unlikliest of places. 🙂


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