When You Lack Confidence In Your Writing

12 Jan

I’ve never exactly been big with self-confidence, not even in my writing, if you can call it that. Looking over my work that is completed and that which is as yet incomplete or yet to be started I feel almost sick. I’ve set myself the deadline of April to finish this short story collection. I’ve already pushed my aimed for date back by a year and I won’t do it again. The reasons: A) tax year, tax forms etc. confuse the hell out of me so I figure it’s probably a damn site easier if your business year matches the tax year, B) If I do I fear I will never do it; then I’ll never know what I might have gone on to do.

I’m not just worried about finishing in time but also about the quality of my work. In truth I’m worried I’m going to make a fool of myself. One of my tutors once described one of my stories, my first assignment for her, as ‘a very underdeveloped first draft’  or something like that. I was angry and hurt and although it had room for improvement I still consider it was a complete story.

I did get better marks and better comments for my other assignments. However even my highest mark, which was my final assignment marked by her, couldn’t remove the pain and the taint of that first assignment. Psychologically it made me feel bad but also she had given me such a low mark that it had brought my score for the entire course down, right from assignment one. That upset me I felt like a failure, again, for the umpteenth time in my life I was being told I wasn’t good enough.

So here we are again, worrying about not being good enough. I worry about my writing style and also my grammar and punctuation. They never taught us much in the way of grammar and punctuation at school. Now because I’m self publishing or rather “vanity” publishing (that’s ironic!) I have to take care of it myself. I can’t afford to pay someone to do it for me either; so I have to trust myself to not to mess it up.

All in all I need a lot of trust in myself which is something I don’t have. So now I question if I should even be trying. I don’t think I could be satisfied if I didn’t try to break out at least once in my life.

Being grown up is scary.

Thanks for reading

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